


To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind

by Ausp_ice



Series: Ascendant [4]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Dad Hank, Dissociation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Murder, Of a strange sort considering Connor's situation, There is Cover Art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22888009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ausp_ice/pseuds/Ausp_ice
Summary: ... is not to die.Nines has to watch Connor die again.In a way.
Relationships: Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Hank Anderson & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Gavin Reed
Series: Ascendant [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1629997
Comments: 16
Kudos: 88





	To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from a quote by Thomas Campbell.
> 
> What is it like to mourn someone that keeps dying but never dies? Someone who's alive but not?  
> It was a very interesting thought to me, so here I am.
> 
> I'm very happy with the art this time! It is posted on dA [here](https://sta.sh/01rxevow5hy7).  
> Yes, Nines casually has black nails. He customized his nanoskin program to generate it, heh.

Nines stumbled.

He does not stumble. His proprioceptive sensors were made to be nearly infallible.

But he found himself tipping dizzily, legs suddenly clumsy, as his processor flooded with— 

_Nines, pḻ̷̌͑͒͝ ̶̫̤͎͋̋͜eas̸̘̟͐̌̉ ̵̭͒̾̚e̶̟̫̋̆ help, help ṃ̸̬͔̠̈̿e ̴̨̍͆u̵͇̿̒̄͜š̵̠͖̑͝ͅ help us I̶̧̯̓'̵̨͛̉͒͆m ̵̬̘̥̉͊̕ḫ̷̦̾̔e he is w̸e a̷r̶e̷ ̸dying ̷w̸e'̵r̵e̷ ̶d̶ying please_

Fragmented data slipped into his mind—he is lying on the ground, limbs twitching weakly, eyes locked onto his chest. The hole in it, that is—a clean shot, right through the regulator. A hand presses to the wound, trying to mitigate the damage. A futile effort, with the regulator destroyed.

**-00:01:30 TIME BEFORE SHUTDOWN**

"—goddamn piece of metal. Why are you so heavy?" 

Nines blinked, reality returning to his own immediate surroundings. He had been staring blankly on the ground—a hand was gripped on his left arm, and another gripped his shoulder, bracing him. He looked up, locking eyes with Gavin. 

"Gavin," his voice trembled just slightly. "We have to—" He smoothly slid out of the detective's grip, immediately breaking into a sprint.

"What the _fuck_ —" 

He did not wait for Gavin's response. Nines knew he would follow. 

_Nines…_

_Please...._

**-00:00:58 TIME BEFORE SHUTDOWN**

There wasn't enough time. 

Connor had sent him a location. It was a relatively isolated place in the city, so there weren't a lot of androids he could call on. 

Nines wasn't sure if he should count himself lucky or not.

_I'm scared._

**-00:00:20 TIME BEFORE SHUTDOWN**

There wasn't enough _time_. He was too slow. And he—even if he got there before the end, what then? The regulator couldn't be repaired. 

He sped around a corner, rushing into the alleyway.

Just in time to see desperate eyes lock onto his. A hand, the one not grasping the remains of the regulator, reaching towards him.

"N-Ni-n...."

The arm dropped, and the flickering red of the LED went dark.

A cold feeling washed through Nine's system. He stared blankly at the now-empty body. Was it the android himself that reached for help? Was it Connor? Or, in that moment, did they blend so thoroughly in their fear that the difference was rendered imperceptible?

He didn't know.

All he knew was that he'd failed his brother again.

That he'd watched him die again.

Rapidly approaching steps. "I—Jesus—you really, hah, really are fast. What's got you so…" A sudden cessation of movement. Of breath, even. "Oh. Oh, fuck."

"Not fast enough," Nines was aware of himself saying. So strange. He felt oddly detached. "Connor… showed me the situation." He was walking forward. Slow. Stiff. "He was… he… he felt this android on the verge of death. Converged into his mind, then, perhaps."

He bent down, closing the android's eyes. "The countdown… I could see it tick down. I knew my efforts would be meaningless. Whether I reached them or not, the damage was irreparable with my immediate resources."

He stepped back, turning to face Gavin. "They… he… died, just as I entered their field of view. They reached for me…" 

Nines blinked, and suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder. Hmm. A lapse in awareness…? 

"C'mon, Nines. I'll take care of the report. Head home." 

The RK900 shook his head. "I can do it," he said. "It is more efficient." As he stepped towards the body, Connor's presence swelled within him—normally, it was hardly noticeable, but this felt jagged, unstable. An involuntary shiver ran through him.

"A murder," Connor said, voice completely toneless. "Victim is Aaron, JB300 #298 190 447. I was unable to identify any distinguishing characteristics of the killer. They shot m—they shot him from behind."

Gavin squinted at them. "Connor…? Shit, you sound…"

"I am going to disperse," he said. And then Nines was alone, swaying suddenly and putting a hand on the nearby wall, the other over his mouth. 

He was vaguely aware of Gavin saying something to him, but he… he was… 

He sank to a kneeling position, shifting his arms to wrap around himself as his eyes slipped closed. He couldn't seem to properly process his visual input. Or auditory input. Or much of anything, really. 

"—yeah, it's… there was a murder…"

"Connor was with the victim when he died, and Nines saw it. Nines… he's not doing great. I don't think he can hear me..."

"— _fuck_ , Nines… Hank's coming, okay? I'll take care of things here." 

Reality seemed to phase in and out of his awareness. 

"Nines. Hey, son. I'm going to hug you, okay?"

A soft hum from his vocal module. Not a moment later, he felt arms circle around him. Firm, grounding. He unwrapped his arms around himself and slipped them under Hank's. Loosely, at first, but he quickly found himself gripping his father with inhuman force. 

"You're okay. You're okay."

"C-Connor," he managed. 

Hank breathed heavily into Nine's hair. "He'll… he'll be okay, too."

"Wasn't good enough… Failed him… again…"

Hank immediately pulled back, much as he could with Nine's limpet grip. "Nines. Look at me." Nines forced his eyes to meet his father's. "I know you. You did your best, okay? There's always a chance to be better, that's not wrong, but the moment you start thinking that you're not enough, it's a nasty cycle. I've been there, and I can tell you that it's somewhere _you_ don't belong." He sighed heavily. "It's just—you're amazing, you hear? Better than all of us in so many ways." Nines tried to protest this, but Hank bulldozed over him. "There was nothing we could do back then. And there's nothing you can do to change what happened just now. You can only stay in the past or move on, and I'm probably a pretty shining example of why you _shouldn't_ stay in the past." 

Nines sighed softly, closing his eyes. Hank's words were logical. The android did not disagree, and yet, he couldn't shake the feeling that had sunk into his systems.

"Yeah, I know, I know… " A shift, and then a light tap on his arms signaled Nines to reluctantly let go. Hank pulled back but kept a hand on Nines's arm, pulling them both to their feet and guiding him out of the alleyway. 

The sound of a car door opening edged at Nines's awareness, and then he was gently maneuvered into the seat. 

"Let's go home."

* * *

Nines was sitting on the couch, head laid back as he stared at the ceiling. Piece by piece, it felt like his floating mind filtered back into his own body, until suddenly, he could think clearly again. 

He sat up straight, dislodging Hank's arm from where it loosely curled around his shoulders. 

"Mmhhg…" Hank's eyes blinked open, rousing from his slumber. Nines checked his internal clock—2 AM in the morning. That explained a few things. 

His father seemed to gather his wits, straightening. "Nines! Hey, are you feeling better?"

Nines nodded. "Yes. That was a very strange experience. It felt as though I was completely removed from reality, despite the fact that all my sensors are functioning properly."

"Ah, geez… maybe it's like, dissociation or something? Didn't know it could happen to androids, too…" 

The android blinked, briefly searching the web for the term. "Perhaps? A number of characteristics certainly seem to match." Nines wondered if this was what Connor felt like in the collective. Perhaps it was partially an echo of what _he_ was feeling. 

Hank sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "Yeah. How are you feeling now? Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Nines opened his mouth—closed it, frowned slightly. "Hmm. My mental state seems to be at an equilibrium. I don't believe I am at risk for another… episode." His gaze slid to the side. "I simply… I suppose, at that time, I recalled the feelings of helplessness when I held Connor as his life bled away. The feelings translated into inadequacy rather quickly. Twice now, I couldn't help the one who may very well be the most important person in my life." He pressed his hands to his eyes. "And like this… he isn't dead, but is this living? I just—I just want him back with us. But I can't... He's too far away. I can't reach him."

"I'm here, Nines," Connor said softly. Nines inhaled sharply, breath catching in his throat.

"Connor… Nines…" Hank murmured, placing his hands on their shoulders. 

"I don't blame you for this. I… I know you couldn't help. It was cruel of me to ask. But in the heat of the moment, I was so scared, and you were close—I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry." 

Nines closed his eyes, breathing shakily as he wrapped his arms around himself. In a way, it was the closest he could get to hugging Connor. 

"I should be there for you," Nines said. "I don't want you to be hurt. Connor, I miss you so much. Can I miss someone who's always here in some way? Maybe I shouldn't, but I do."

Optical cleaning fluid leaked out of their eyes. His or Connor's doing? Both, perhaps. Hank reached forward to wipe them away, expression twisted with a deep sadness.

"I do too," Connor responded. "I miss being… _there_ . With both of you. I feel like I'm losing myself." He paused, a hesitation in his code. "When Aaron died… I think _something_ of me died with him. All the memories are there, but it feels like… like a piece of me is _gone_. A single droplet in the infinite ocean, maybe, but I still…" 

Hank rushed forward, wrapping his arms around them. "I'm sorry, Connor. I'm so sorry. We'll catch them. We… we'll try to keep all of you alive, okay? We're gonna get you back in one piece." 

They trembled in Hank's grip, burying their face in his shoulder. 

"You'll be alright. Both of you."

* * *

The second murder happened while Nines was at the DPD station, trying to find leads on the case, and Gavin doing the same. 

When Connor threaded into him, it felt heavy. A weight on his processors, one he could barely support. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "There's nothing you can do. The same killer struck again. I've sent the location to your terminals. We'll… Erin, AX700 #632 579 126, will be dead by the time you get there."

A droplet splashed onto his desk. Oh. He was crying. 

"The killer has a 79% likelihood of being male, based on build. Height is approximately five feet and eleven inches. We were able to catch a glimpse when he shot us."

They looked at Gavin. "Come find us, please."

With that, Nines slumped over his desk, tears pouring freely from his eyes. 

_"Fuck!"_ Gavin pushed out of his chair, coming over to Nines's side. "Is he—Nines, are you okay?" 

He shook his head. "Connor is going to die again, along with another android we couldn't save."

"That's…" Gavin grimaced. He reached forward and placed a hand on Nines's shoulder. He looked uncertain—of what to do, perhaps. 

Nines stood up, causing Gavin to let go and immediately step back. "We're wasting time," the RK900 said. 

The detective clicked his tongue. "You sure you'll be fine? You really freaked out last time, and— you're fucking crying— I've barely ever seen you…"

Nines wiped the fluid away, before placing a hand on Gavin's chest to lightly push him back. "I'm fine. Last time was different. I'm more prepared now." He turned around, briskly walking towards the exit. 

Gavin grabbed his arm, pulling him back around. He couldn't have stopped Nines if the android didn't want to be stopped, but Nines indulged him. "Hold on just a _fucking_ second, okay? You just— it's like you're experiencing his death all over again." His mouth twisted as if he'd eaten something sour, "How the hell can you be _prepared_ for that? I know how much you care about him."

Nines opened his mouth to respond— and then found his eyes fluttering shut as another feeling of loss suffused his mind, his knees buckling— "Oh, _shit!"_ —Gavin catching him as he stumbled. He was set down against the wall as the commotion in the bullpen rose—everyone could _see_ , Nines, get it together, _get it together_ — 

"Nines, talk to me."

"They're dead now," he said distantly. "They died alone, no one to help…"

"Goddamn it…" The pressure on his shoulder increased. "Nines, I think you should get taken off the case."

His head shot up at that, eyes widening. "Gav—" 

"No, listen to me. It's just because of this weird fucking situation that you were able to get your hands on it in the first place. No one's… not really sure how to handle Connor like this. Whether he's legally alive. Whether he's a victim, a witness, or both in this case. But… normally, if family was involved, you wouldn't be allowed on the case at all."

Nines glared at him. "What do you suggest? I stay away from all cases of android murders?"

"If that's what it takes." 

Gavin's eyes were determined, boring into him with such an intensity that he had to look away. "I shouldn't be so emotional about this. Connor will live beyond these deaths, as tragic as they are…"

"No. There's nothing wrong with feeling this. That's just what it means to be alive."

Nines stared at a spot in the distance. "... I don't like it," he said, after a moment. "It hurts." 

"Yeah, well, feelings are a bitch— but I'd rather you grieve him than face this all like an unfeeling machine. You care, it shows, and you have to face the good and the bad that comes with it."

Nines let his eyes fall closed, sighing. A tug on his arm— he looked up. "Come on, let's get you off the floor." 

The android nodded, allowing Gavin to pull him up and put him back on his desk chair. He sat stiffly, closing his eyes once more. "You stay here," Gavin said. "I'll go to the scene with Hank." Nines gave a hum of assent. 

"Is he okay…?" He heard a soft voice coming from nearby.

"Yeah, Tina, he'll be fine. Just… not a good situation…"

Nines let the sounds fade into the background. 

* * *

Nines got taken off the case. He was also told to take a few days off, himself. 

"I'm not having an android on the verge of a breakdown trying to work. Go home and figure yourself out."

"Yes, Captain," he'd said. 

So here he was. At home. On the couch. 

He sighed, closing his eyes. Come to think of it, had Connor surfaced after the murder? Quite a few hours have passed already. Nines sunk into his code, looking for where the fragment wove into his own systems. 

He frowned, LED flickering to yellow. Where was—ah. He pinpointed its location, giving it a probing nudge. 

_Connor…?_

No response. Not a single stir. 

Nines sat up, LED flickering between red and yellow. 

_When Aaron died… I think something of me died with him. All the memories are there, but it feels like… like a piece of me is gone. A single droplet in the infinite ocean, maybe, but I still…_

Connor's words echoed in his mind. Nines gripped the edge of the couch tightly. What sort of effect did this have on him, not just mentally, but physically? At least, in terms of his focus. He often spoke of his fear of dissolving into the collective. Would losing these pieces push him towards that direction? Would losing a few points of focus cause him to scatter more thoroughly into infinity?

The thought was terrifying. Would he lose Connor for real? Would he truly become a ghost in their systems, never able to exist as a singular entity again? 

He clutched almost desperately at the fragment. _Connor— please—_

And suddenly, he was there. "Nines," he said. "Oh, Nines, I'm sorry, I…"

Static crackled from their vocal module, a choked sound, as Nines wrapped his arms around himself tightly. "Connor, Connor, I thought you were gone, I thought you were never going to—" 

Connor's reassurance washed over his mind, blanketing his systems. So similar to how he'd reassure Nines when he was still here in whole… 

Nines breathed out softly, slumping sideways on the couch, eyes slipping shut. 

"I… should have known how much this would affect you, too," Connor murmured. "I'm sorry you have to keep watching me die."

"You have it worse. You're the one who keeps dying," Nines responded. "I should be the one to support you."

"You are, Nines, you _are_ … just by being here, talking to me." A sigh. "If you hadn't pulled on me like that, it might have been days before I came back."

Nines shuddered, pulling his legs to his chest and curling his arms around them. "I don't want to lose you any more. I don't want to lose any more of you."

"I know. I know. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Nines shook his head. "I can't even handle myself well enough to work on this case. I should be…"

"No, Nines. Gavin's right. You shouldn't put yourself through this for my sake."

Nines curled into himself further. "Why am I so _weak_? I'm supposed to be better than this."

"Because we matter to each other, Nines. And I wouldn't trade that for the world."

Nines breathed out shakily. A few seconds passed. "I wouldn't, either."

They stayed there, curled on the couch, until Connor's focus dissolved and Nines was alone once more. 

When Hank came home, he joined Nines on the sofa, bringing the android into his arms, hands brushing through his synthetic hair, until he slipped into his diagnostic stasis. 

That is, until he fell asleep. 

* * *

The third murder happened two days later. 

Nines spent the full day in his room, unmoving from his bed, periodically reaching for Connor. When Connor finally reached back, hours and hours and hours later, they spent the night just holding themselves—each other—until Connor faded away.

* * *

"Nines, this can't be good for you. Staying in here all day…" 

It was the weekend, five days after Nines was taken off the case. 

"Come with me to lunch?"

Nines assented. 

What he did not expect was Gavin joining them at Chicken Feed. 

"Thanks for coming, Gav." 

"Yeah, yeah." He waved off the lieutenant, turning to Nines. "How are you holding up?" 

"I am functional," he responded. 

Hank scoffed. "Yeah, if functional means lying in bed all day and staring at the ceiling." 

Gavin eyed Nines, who just sighed. "It has been… becoming less intense for me, I suppose. But it is still… a lot."

"Figures." Gavin sipped at his drink. "How's your ghost brother?"

"Doing alright, Detective Reed. Thank you for asking." 

The detective jumped in surprise, nearly stabbing himself in the forehead with his straw. "Fucking hell, give a guy some warning, would you?"

Connor had the nerve to laugh. "It's much more fun this way, don't you think?"

"No."

"Shame."

They ate in silence, until Nines couldn't help his burning curiosity. "How is the case?"

Gavin frowned, glancing at Hank. The lieutenant only shrugged, and Gavin sighed heavily. "We're… close, but at the same time, we've reached a dead end. The only pattern seems to be that the victims are all shot through the regulator in isolated areas, all from behind. We're thinking that they might be familiar with androids, but that doesn't help all that much. We've analysed the patterns and tried to predict where he'll strike next, but the range is too broad…" 

Nines started to speak— and then jerked, suddenly. 

They let out a bitter laugh, tinged just slightly with hysteria. "Ah, looks like your case might be solved very soon." They grip their arm tightly, enough that the skin pulls back. "Andrew, PC200 #554 209 231, was just attacked. He managed to avoid immediate fatal damage from the first bullet…" They blinked, LED flickering, "and tackled the assailant. He removed the mask, but…" They close their eyes. "He's been shot again, well and truly in the regulator. A minute remains of his life."

Connor smiles faintly, like he's in pain, cracking their eyes open to face Gavin and Hank. "The killer is Deryn Shaw. Male, age 38. Former CyberLife technician, currently unemployed. He was injured by Andrew, so he won't be able to get far. I've sent the location to your phone, Gavin. Please. Put an end to this."

"Holy fuck," Hank put a hand on their arm. 

Gavin was already on his phone, relaying the information to those on-duty. That done, he stepped towards Nines. "Hey, are— are you alright?"

"Ten seconds," they whispered.

"Shit." Hank pulled them towards the car, barely managing to get them in the seat before something was _lost_ again. Nines gave a full-body shudder, tears slipping from his eyes once more. 

In one final act, perhaps to spare him from the immediate worst of feeling the death and the rebound, Connor put Nines into stasis just as the focus he was desperately holding onto fragmented into the infinite collective. 

* * *

Nines woke up after a day.

It took Connor a week to resurface. 

Nines wasn't sure if he could call himself "functional" anymore. He simply went through the motions, running on automatic algorithms as he seemed to drift in unreality. He tried to go to work on the third day, but Captain Fowler took one look at him and sighed, "Nope. No, you will not work like this. You can stay home until Connor's back. Reed's been surprisingly productive despite your absence."

So he went home again. 

He reorganized all the books. Cleaned all the floors. Dusted all the shelves. Rearranged the kitchen. 

On the fourth day, he lay in bed and tried to reach Connor every hour on the dot. _Please,_ he begged into the yawning silence. _Please come back._

On the fifth, he cried silently in Hank's arms as his father rubbed circles on his back. "He'll be back before you know it. He'll be okay. You'll be okay."

On the sixth, he entered stasis. 

And so he remained until something roused him a day later, something familiar, something— 

"I'm here, Nines. Sorry it took so long." 

A dam seemed to break within him, and he sobbed, breaths rattling his entire frame, arms clasped tightly around himself. "I m-miss you, Connor. I miss you so much. You're so far away."

"I—I know. Me too. I'm sorry, Nines." They lie together, eyes closed, until the intensity fades. Slowly, slowly, the turbulent ocean of their thoughts calms, settling into smoothness. 

Hank found them like that, living, breathing, and sat beside them. Reaching over to brush his fingers through their hair. 

"You're alright," he said quietly. "You're safe now."

They smiled, just a bit, fractured and fragile, the relief in their systems still tenuous. 

Soon, Connor began to dissipate, and Nines began his slide into stasis. As they both grew distant from wakefulness, they were calm. Peaceful, even.

"Night, Connor. Night, Nines," they last hear, before both entered oblivion.

**Author's Note:**

> Eventually, it gets easier. Enough that Nines can handle other androids dying, and that he doesn't spiral too badly when Connor's dispersed for long periods of time. But it never gets easy.  
> I didn't actually set out to make Nines spiral _this_ badly, but that was where the story took me so *shrugs*
> 
> I mentioned this in a [comment on Cohesion](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22758910/comments/282686173) with Veilder, but Nines's situation with Connor is particularly unique due to him having the largest fragment of Connor's self. Most androids and systems couldn't detect Connor if they tried, and don't usually get too much of Connor's emotional and mental feedback. But for Nines, sometimes the most intense things can bleed through, mostly when they're feeling similar things. The dissociative-ish? episode was a reflection of Nines's mental state, but part of it definitely could have been influenced by Connor's collective state as well.
> 
> Also: Gavin and Hank are still very strange for me to write. Their natural speech patterns are just... so very different from mine.


End file.
